Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
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Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]