Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
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Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.