anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
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Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.