Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
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Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode