Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
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Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
what could possibly go wrong?