Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
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*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that