Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
You Might Also Like
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
“just sayin” who asked you though?
“and how does that make you feel?”
I feel seen.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.