Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

let’s discuss

My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

[princess gets captured in a castle]

[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack