Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
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texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Same pineapple, same
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.