Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
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My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”