Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
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Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
that wasn’t the question
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE