Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
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Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.