Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
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If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose