Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
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Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Extremely relatable.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
“What movie?” 🤔
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.