Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
You Might Also Like
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
car not found
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.