Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
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4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture