anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
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What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*