Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
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[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.