Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
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I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”