Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
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*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Many hands make light work
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm