Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
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[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.