anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
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if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Wednesday
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Meow
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Tastes like chicken.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.