Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
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Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]