Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
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Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
…żyje?
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Seems kinda suspicious
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.