Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
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them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*