anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
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If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.