ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
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Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Meowchelangelo
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.