Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
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(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.