Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
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If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.