Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
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one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!