anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
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Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Don’t make me out nice you.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting