Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
You Might Also Like
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr