Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
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The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I occasionally drink every single night.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”