Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
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therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.