anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
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MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
She puts the hot in psychotic
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
My daily affirmation
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.