Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
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Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I have many caverns
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.