Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
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While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Squirrels before girls.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Not my job 😂
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.