…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
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Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*