“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
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Perfect
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
My Plans 2020
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Haha good job!!
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else