ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
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Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Bartenders are just boneless bars
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.