Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
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Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.