@SCBamaMan

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

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@jwoodham

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

@UnFitz

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

@HatfieldAnne

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

@SteveSuckington

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

@yoyoha

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.

@abbeyaar

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

@AmishPornStar1

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.