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Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
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I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
i’m still crying at this
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.