AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
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I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco