Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

I stand by it

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.