[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
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You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls