{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
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Who’s your best friend?
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.