Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
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This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Bros before Ohioes
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.