APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
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The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
This line from Airplane.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”