Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

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Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.


[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”


I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.


Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.


As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.


-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.


5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!


Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!


My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.


scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god