@reallifemommy3

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

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@CroweJam

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

@DirtMcTurd

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

@BradBroaddus

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

@jojipaints

Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.

@FloodyHippie

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

@JohnLyonTweets

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

@Bizarro_Mark

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

@behindyourback

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

@_Kim_Jongun

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

@OllyiConic

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god