Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
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I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*