Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
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Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.